I was downloading photos from my BB to iPhoto yesterday and came across this one that I kept a copy of on my BB and made it my "wallpaper." I've been looking at it a lot today and here's what I've been thinking...
I love this photo that I took the day after Lina arrived back in the USA - early July 2010. We hadn't seen each other in almost a year. It makes me happy to see my two beautiful children sitting next to each other, totally engaged in each other, enjoying.
Lina is full of life and "Lina-ness" - when I look at her it makes me happy to see her smile and laugh and tell her stories, but I sense an underlying sadness, or burden of experience that isn't expressed, except in her sculpted cheekbones which indicate to me that she has lost weight. Her forearms look very thin, too, and I worry. I sense the subtle changes in her that happen to people when they live outside their own culture, and know that soon I will see that in Ali as well.
Ali seems to have the same expression as he did the first time he jumped off the high dive - excited, "oh shit, what the hell have I done", scared and full of anticipation. Ali is on the verge of new experiences, the shape and content unknown to him with no way of forecasting how it will all go down, where he will live, what Vancouver is really like, what college will be like, financial worries. But mostly what's ticking over in his mind is when is the next time his foot can hit a skateboard.
Me, taking the photo, undocumented, is sitting there, enjoying my children, very "in the moment" and cherishing our brief time together before I completely blow up our world - get on an airplane alone, sell the house, and move to Washington. The wrenching impact on all of us is not even 5 days away, and we are thankfully unaware of this emotional tsunami that relentlessly approaches.
Would I have done anything differently? No, because I am happy with the end result. Do I wish that I could have minimized the negative impact my decisions made on those around me that I love and count on? Absolutely. What has the experience taught me? Don't live in fear. Don't stick with things because it's comfortable but you're miserable. Don't do things that you think you should do because other people think it's the right thing to do.
"Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." Goethe
and
"Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid." misquote of Basil King from the movie "Almost Famous"
Lina and Ali - I love you both so much and am so proud of you.
Posted via email from lysastrata's posterous
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